the last post about you..
this is the last post, the last letter (kind of), the last time i will mention about you.
i guess you were right, that if you were the one that walked away…i wont fight for you. but how can i when you wasnt even sure if you wanted me since day 1. whats there to fight for? no relationship, no commitment. cause if there was, this would be a whole another story. i couldnt bring myself to hate you for this, because i caused this. i made you feel and think that way. i would never call myself the perfect girl for you because i walked away so many times but i couldnt call you the perfect girl for me either. to be honest, i never wanted this kind of set up. that flirtationship. but i did that cause i wanted to keep you in my life. i was never happy about it, nor i was ever content. i made myself believe i was content of what we have because i was happy that you were in my life. I NEVER WANTED THAT BUT I SETTLED FOR IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. that was always the reason why i kept walking away. cause i know theres no security in whatever we had. i was willing to leave everything behind to be with you but knowing that you dont even wanna be with me made me think that there was no point of even doing or trying. but i tried, so hard to be happy with you. i tried so hard to work it out….and one of the reason i wanted it to work out so bad is because i left the perfect girl and the perfect relationship to be with you. my ex, she was perfect and our relationship was the relationship ive always wanted and then i met you. and i wanted you so bad because of the fact that i cant have you. it was a challenge that i thought i can accomplish. i wanted to prove to myself that losing my perfect girl is all worth it. and for the first few months was great. being with you was like being in cloud 9. you said things that i never heard from anyone. you made me feel like on top of the world. i was so blinded to the fact that how i felt about you was not how you felt about me. how silly.
everyday, you were the first and last thought. i changed my life plans so just i could be with you. i was ready to give up everything i love to be with you, not thinking of the fact that you wouldnt do that for me. i had this unconditional love for you and it was crazy. but then we started fighting so much, i fucked up alot. remember when i cheated on you. i cant even say cheated cause we werent even in a relationship. but i was emotionally involved with you so it is cheating. and i told you and you didnt even get mad. like what the fuck. how can you not get mad at me? i cheated. the relationship didnt start going downhill because i cheated. it started going down hill because thats when i felt you didnt even love me like that. you didnt even get hurt, or just get pissed at me. it was so pathetic of me to get mad at you for not getting mad but how can you not get mad? i always think of putting myself in your position, and if you cheated…id probably get so hurt and furious but you didnt.
i invested so much feelings for you. i expected to feel how youre making me feel and i never felt it. i felt like i was the only one investing my life in our “relationship.” you can tell me that you always asked me to stay whenever i wanted to leave, that you cried for me, that you care about me, but i dont think you really love me. maybe you loved the thought of me, you loved how i made you feel and the things i say but i dont think you ever loved me. and im not saying this because of what happened tonight.
after things ended between us, i thought id be so depressed to the thought of not having you in my life but i wasnt. maybe its because this was the right thing to do. i put myself out there tonight, even if it was the wrong thing to do cause if loving you was the wrong thing to do then i never wanna be right.
you decided this and the best thing to do is to understand and respect you for it. i wanted to fight for you but i cant fight for someone who dont even wanna be with me. the letter i was gonna send you, it was about me….willing to wait for you until you changed your mind but it doesnt matter anymore. i still love you but i should let you go.